Vampire Survivors

Sometimes I think game reviews should come with a second score representing the quality of their subjects’ business practices. Between its consistent and transparent run on Early Access and its massive content-price ratio, Vampire Survivors would get full marks in that regard. On top of that, its very design is an intentional antithesis to modern live service grind-fests. It explicitly uses the dopamine-producing techniques of slot machines, but rather than doing so as fuel for repeated micropayments, it does so solely to give the player a good time. There’s a general air of nostalgia for a bygone age here, so the cover art is hideous, the in-game art is simplistic, the music is trashy and energetic, the limited story is absurd, and most importantly, the wealth of unlockable characters, weapons, stages, and other secrets aren’t locked behind a season pass, lootbox, or any other bullshit.

As for how the game actually plays, imagine an amazing firework display…that goes on for 72 uninterrupted hours. It’s essentially a twin-stick shooter in which shooting is automated, placing the emphasis on avoiding an absolutely insane number of enemies simultaneously. After a few hours of steadily-increasing intensity, the deluge of flashy damage numbers and satisfying sound effects scratched my long-forgotten Geometry Wars itch like nothing else (albeit with the conspicuous absence of multiplayer). There’s a period of maximum catharsis after you’ve unlocked enough upgrades and figured out the ideal strategies to consistently win, but this peak is nowhere near the end of Vampire Survivors’ well of content. And unfortunately, the subtractive design that makes the gameplay so pure also leaves it with little depth to explore. At that point, you’ve essentially solved the game and are just being asked to do a hundred victory laps, which might be some fun if they didn’t take 30 minutes each.